The video of Jed arrived a few days ago after being sent back to Modesto because it didn't have enough postage. It was very hard to stay positive with this craziness. We did finally gt it and he is so precious.
Because I want to be honest and remember how I felt at each stage of this journey I want to share my honest feelings about the first time I saw the video. I actually didn't feel anything, which shocked me. I wasn't sure if this was caused by the constant waiting or the build up was bigger than the show kind of thing? The video is about seven minutes long and all I did was observe his actions, developmentally speaking. I watched his foster mom too. How she engaged with him. What her interaction was like with him and how he responded.
I walked away feeling very unaffected by seeing our son moving, playing and smiling. I'm not sure when it hit me but I realized the video made me feel more like I was watching someone else with their child. The interaction between Jed and his foster mom was so sweet. She loves him and he loves her. I watched her eyes when she looked at him and there was a motherly love and affection that we as parents only have for our children. (If your a parent you know exactly what I mean. If you pay attention you can feel your gaze grow sweeter when you're looking at your own child. Try it sometime. Look at other children on the playground and then find your child and see what I mean.) And although I know this is a very good thing, for Jed to have bonded with someone, I want that person to be me.
I have watched the video more than once now and each time I feel more. I want that sweet boy. I have a deep love, a motherly love for him and I long to show him his place in our family, his family. The closer we get to actually being able to pick him up the harder it gets. At the same time I know there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait. So...we wait...for that final phone call telling us to make some travel plans. That day is going to be a joy filled day!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Julia saw this picture and wants to know what these words mean. I told her I would explain it to her when she is older. How do I tell my middle child that some people don't want/have their baby because they have Down syndrome. I wonder how this will affect her perspective. Her heart. I don't look forward to this conversation. And then I do.